WELLNESS CONNECTION · Life Balance

Communication: The Healing Power of a Good Apology

By Claudia Dunn, M.A., OTR/L, Director of Life Balance

April 26, 2011 - 5:00PM

We have all found ourselves at one time or another in a situation where we need to apologize. Whether we attribute our offense to stress, exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed or feeling threatened by someone or something, our emotions can, at times, guide our words and actions to treat others in a way that is not coming from our best self.

The truth is that an inadequate or insincere apology can do more damage to a relationship than no apology at all. For example, consider why comments like �Sometimes I get grouchy,� or "I was just stressed out� fall short as a show of true remorse. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a similar phrase and afterwards wondered, �Was that supposed to be an apology?� These kinds of statements are less about expressing regret and more about excusing the offending action as being �not that bad.� The message being: It must be you who is too sensitive, overreacting or needs to �lighten up.� Some relationships never fully recover from an insincere apology.

Next time, consider these five steps to extending a healing and powerful apology. In the spirit of honest humility, you can turn a mistake into an advantage and, when an apology is delivered in earnest, even a relationship strengthener!

1. Name It - Begin by being specific about what you did wrong. Take ownership and responsibility by acknowledging that your words or actions were out of line.

2. Explain vs. Excuse - Clarify for both yourself and the injured party the reasoning behind your behavior. Understanding why you misbehaved can provide the awareness to change. Explanations shed light on the offense, hold you accountable to make that change and communicate your commitment to rebuilding the relationship. Excuses, on the other hand, deflect responsibility and, if they�re resorted to, can undo even the most heartfelt apology. If you find your explanation slipping into a justification, get yourself back on track by saying, �But this in no way excuses my behavior.�

3. Express Remorse - Acknowledge the damage you�ve done. Honor the relationship with an admission like �I realize I�ve broken a trust between us,� recognizing the hurt that person may be feeling. Openly own up to the consequences of your actions.

4. I wish I�d� - Tell that person what you wish you�d said or done instead. Describing a mindful alternative reveals that you�ve taken the time to rethink your action and apply better judgment. For example, �I wish I�d said calmly �I�m under a deadline right now but will get back to you soon to answer your question.'� Be clear that given the chance, you would now make a different and respectful choice.

5. Repair Damage and Build Trust - If you�ve gotten this far, you know they�re listening. Now your focus turns to restoring that person�s dignity, asking in earnest �What more would you like me to do?� Be prepared to follow through on what you learn. Having one�s perspective asked for and heard can act as a powerful healing agent in repairing even the long-damaged relationship. At this point, affirm what you will do differently in the future. For example, �The next time I will manage my stress more effectively and speak from respect rather than anger.� This begins the process of rebuilding trust, one interaction at a time.

Finally, you must release the offended party from any obligation or expectation to forgive you. Resolution takes time. This may be just the beginning of a longer healing negotiation. Whatever the outcome, a sincere apology shows your commitment to honest self-examination and change. You are growing and doing better in relationship with those around you, who are all trying to do the same. Being human, we are works in progress.

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